Why we get angry

Of all the emotions we possess, anger is the most destructive and most unhelpful emotion. In today’s world, we cannot afford to show any sort of anger, lest we lose face. Why is is considered so bad to be angry? In my observations, I have found that there is one element underneath everything that explains not only its cause, but why anger is unhelpful in today’s world.

That element is control.

In order to explain this, it should be clear what purpose anger originally held. Before we were civilized, we lived as animals. The alpha male was determined by strength more than it was by cunning. If you were trying to earn your food, a mate, or territory, and you had to go against another, you would fight. Now imagine if in your fight, your opponent had you pinned, otherwise unable to move, how would you feel? You would feel rage, anger, and would stop at nothing to physically overcome your enemy and free yourself.

At what point do you feel the most anger? When you feel the least in control under the will of another. It is in this loss of control that we see what anger was originally meant for. It is meant to push us into a state where we forget anything else and focus only on using whatever physical means necessary to regain control. Hostility is meant to broadcast this intent.

When I say “physical means”, I mean just that. Have you ever been angry and felt like punching something? Have you ever beat up your pillow? You put your pillow under your control. Have you ever punched a punching bag to blow off some steam? You put that punching bag under your control. Have you ever broken something because you couldn’t get it to work? You put it under your control.

But in modern living, you cannot express anger. As I was thinking of this, I eventually asked myself, “Does that mean that people in modern life are wimps?” The reasoning behind this was, since we cannot show our anger in response to losing control, it seems like we accept the loss of control and do not try and rectify it. Compare this with the beta males of our ancestors, who would submit to avoid a fight.

The paradox of using anger to regain control in modern society is the more it’s used, the more you lose control. The very purpose of anger subverts itself. Imagine showing anger to a police officer when you get a speeding ticket. Does it help? Does he submit to your willingness to use physical force? No, and if you do use physical force you’re going to jail, or worse.

In order to gain control in the face of adversaries you must free yourself of anger. What is required is a detachment from your emotions, they will only serve to put you under the control of those who are able to forget their own anger. I can give a perfect example of this from when I was in high school:

Apparently, I had insulted some boy’s girlfriend when he wasn’t there. I don’t quite remember the circumstances, but a few days later he found out and came up to me in the hallway between classes. Now, if it’s not obvious, there were a lot of people there. He had come up to me, quit obviously angry and expressed his desire to speak with me outside. I politely rejected his offer. Raising the volume of his voice, he told me to come outside with him immediately and and walked out the door. I didn’t follow him and continued talking with the people I was with. A few moments later, he came back inside with the most disgusting look on his face and started shouting threats at me. It seemed I was not to talk with his girlfriend again. When he was finished, I simply said, “OK”. Even more angry from my cheerful response, he walked away.

Now I ask you, who was in control of this situation? Who lost control? The winner suppressed his anger and the loser lost control of his emotions. Next time you feel anger, or observe the anger of somebody else, I want you to find the reason. Almost always it will be in response to a loss of control. Furthermore, you will find that the ones who lose control are the ones who display overt anger. Don’t fall into this trap. Master your anger and you will gain control over your life that you would have lost otherwise.