Recently, I was attracted to a nice girl who works at a local fast food place. So one day I go in and ask for her phone number. I get it, and ask if she wants to go with me to something I was doing later in the week. I was positive she was really into me, and I was happy.
After trying to get a specific day and time, working around her schedule, we settle on a time when she’s free. After I send her a text message to make sure she was coming, she tells me her work hours were rescheduled (she would be working from 2pm on). I asked then if I could meet earlier, get some breakfast. I was given a no, because she ended up being too busy that morning.
I felt dejected. Why couldn’t she understand I was just trying to date her? All sorts of thoughts ran through my mind, including even how to get her to pity me. I felt this way for about twenty minutes before I realized how personally I was taking it. When you take something personally, you take the meaning of an action done by somebody else as an attack against you personally, as if they’re conspiring to hurt you. And this is an extremely unhealthy viewpoint to take.
When I realized this and was able to pull myself from the bad, I sent her a text message in response asking her if we could reschedule for a different time. And I got a yes in return. What is the benefit of such thinking? There are none. When you are engaged in any such encounter, you should forget your ego and try to remember that it’s never about you. It is, in fact, about fulfilling an obligation to show up to work.
Maybe a better example would come from my friend. My friend, James, told me a story of when he was in college. After arranging a date of the sort with a girl, she had called at the last minute to, “babysit her sister’s kids”, as I was told. How badly James felt when she couldn’t just tell him she didn’t want to see him. Or so he thought, as he went to the nearest food court and spotted her, with several small children. He thought himself such a fool, and learned his lesson.
It is a lesson you must learn as well. To take an action or though against you personally is to cloud your reason with pure emotion. This ruins your judgment, causing you react with bad decisions. Your self and control are at once forlorn.
So what if it truly is something against you? What if James’ girl was really making up an excuse? In either event, the response should be the same; detach yourself from any emotion you may feel and approach the situation with a clear head. Even if your estranged thoughts are true, to act on them would bring no advantage. It is certainly not worth losing your control over the situation.
The examples I’ve given here are limited. In order to apply this to real life, you must consider every occasion where somebody has wronged you and evaluate your response. Was it emotional? Did you feel angry, sad, or otherwise badly? If so, it’s possible you are falling into the common trap I have described.
Instead, even when somebody has done it to your face, do not stop for even second and wonder why. Simply accept that it has been done and consider your options. The best mental response is never an emotional one.
Don’t get angry and ask why, just consider your options and decide your next action.
Alex you are my mirror with a nice fountain pen!
I have almost the exact same way of thinking as you, only you write it down so nice. I have ditched emotions like anger and selfpity years ago, and have not acted on my emotions since. I really think especially “anger” is the most useless emotion a human has. But having fewer emotions now also brings me into difficult situations with what I do. I am an actor, I have studied stage-arts for 4 years in Highschool in Belgium now. And I will continue to study it at the University in Japan. Here is my problem: I have a lot of problems with summoning emotions while I am playing. Emotions which I threw away years ago are hard to reach back to on stage for me. My teachers tell me things as: Think of a sad situation that happened to you to be sad on stage, or when you were angry the same. Only I have no such experiences… I am at a young age of 18 years old and I have never felt really really sad. I am a strong believer and supported of “positive thinking” and almost all my days are only filled with happiness. Same for anger, although “anger” is easier to mimic without letting it come from inside yourself, it’s way more beautifully played if it can come from inside yourself. I am serious about becoming an actor, but this is the only thing that has been a burden for me for a few years now.
I was wondering if you could help me Alex.
Thank you.
-Mesqueeb
I like to consider myself a hugely positive guy and I had the same problem when I took acting classes.
The solution? Stick to comedy.
Are you familiar with Stoic philosophy? Much of what you preach is here is similar to what stoics like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius taught in Ancient Rome. Either way, the article was superb.
Dear Mesqueeb
There are some who look at emotions as “bad”. Making decisions and responding to situations you need both logic and emotions. For one to say that looking at any good or bad situation in purely logical fashion, is like ignoring half of your mental make up.
It is a well known fact, that humans make decisions on emotions 80% of the time. While I totally agree with Alex with regards to the 2 examples he presented, I also believe that living life devoid of emotions would be like having a sky without stars, it would be like like eating Pizza without cheese.
I think the wise thing to do, is, experience your emotions, let them settle in, assess what is going on, and respond.
My advice to you is to start feeling again. Expose your self to situations that will require you to feel, experience new feelings, meet people, get involved with their issues, balance your logic with your emotions. It has been said that if you can not experience emotions, then, what is the purpose of life. Let me ask you, or even ask Alex, if you have something happen to you that you really want, in your case, you got offered an acting job in a major film, how would you respond? logically, by saying oh, gee, that was expected, let’s go and do the movie? if that is the case, then why do it? I am sure you are an actor because you like it. By definition, you feel something for your profession. To deny your elation at the fact that you got a major part, means you’ve denied your self the very same reward that you sought.
And Alex, how did you feel when the girl said yes? was it oh, gee, it would not have made any difference? no, I’ll bet you felt some emotion, like happiness.
All that is to say, don’t let you’re emotions dictate your response, but let your emotions give you a point of view balanced by logic. Then, and only then, will you feel alive.